Emotions Again

 10.04.22

Okay all this talk about emotions… the defining moments that shape my attitudes and beliefs about my emotions and feelings? Well I was raised by an alcoholic who didn’t know how to handle his own emotions and feelings. So I learned to stunt both and all emotions and feelings pretty early on. If I was mad, it was made VERY clear I was not justified in feeling so, I was treated as though I was a drama queen. If I cried I would go to my room, and be checked in after a little while and be told that’s enough. I didn’t get happy or excited much because we didn’t really do anything to spark those emotions, and my dad was adamant about not telling me good things prior because “he didn’t want to get my hopes up.” So that’s been my big task for the past three years is undoing that and allowing myself the space and time to feel the feels. I got into writing really early on to because of this. I didn’t want to tell people how I was feeling because I recognized I experience my emotions intensely for a short period of time, but I didn’t want to freak people out with the intensity because of the short duration of it. So I turned to writing so I didn’t have to worry about judgement or reaction, and I could release the energy from my body. Thank you mom for teaching me that. 

How did I show emotions as a kid? I cried a lot in my room and tried to keep it quiet or late enough to when nobody was up. I was scary impressive in those late nights about processing them and talking myself through it, and reminding myself it wasn’t going to be a forever thing. There was a lot of divine interventions during those time as well. I prayed A LOT. I was not allowed to show my emotions, for the longest time I joked sparing people of seeing me emotional because not many people could handle me when I was at a breaking point. My dad would give me the cold shoulder for days if I was mad about something. My mom wasn’t really around, I never really got upset with anyone but those two, from what I could remember. I know I lost a handful of friends because I was quiet and quiet and quiet and then one day got brave and usually they didn’t like what I had to say. So they would go off with other friends, and I was totally fine with that. Most of them annoyed me anyway. I think my evolution was shaped because I was more snippy and honest when I was younger and then it finally clicked to me that I was hurting peoples feelings so instead of communicating with them I would just phase out of their life and slip away when I could. I did that a lot in my “relationships.” I would know pretty early on but roll with things for a while and then when I couldn’t take it anymore there was always a trip or promotion or something to keep them occupied long enough for me to dip out. 

As I grew up I think the reactions to my emotions got worse. Tyler just made me feel crazy to the point where I didn’t feel a thing. That was terrifying. To not feel or want to feel at 18 years old is something I don’t wish for anybody. Justin was an alcoholic so I got called a lot of names when the anger flared. I don’t remember being sad around him a lot. I think at that point I was pretty far off the feeling sadness/fear train. Same thing with joy and happiness, I don’t remember experiencing too much of that, and if I did I don’t think it was much acknowledged. Well maybe that’s not true, I honestly don’t remember. Justin and I definitely had some good times and we did laugh quite a bit but I think it was mostly around the drugs my dopamine was a little higher, or the booze. I guess I had to have been somewhat happy because he seemed to be happy a lot when I was around. Hmm…that’s a tough one. I have had many people just look at my naively when I feel happy. I hung around a lot of dooms people or “it’s fine now, but I promise it won’t be as good very soon” type people. It still influences me because any emotion I feel, I remember it’s temporary. If I’m happy I’m waiting for the catch, if I’m sad I’m trying to rebalance the chemicals, if I’m mad I have to release it somehow so usually it’s tears or me yelling. I guess I’m still not great at all the emotion and feeling stuff. Who perpetuates that now? My poor husband gets the brunt of it. I’m trying to learn to harness the emotions while communicating and it usually isn’t pretty. He gets upset then I run to avoid a conversation I don’t want to have and then it gets heated and then we apologize and move on. Both of us have a tendency to pick something up from the conversation though so that’s a plus. Do I think I have jurisdiction (the power to decide) over my emotional realm. I would say so. I’ve realized through the recent prompts I’m actually pretty decent at processing my emotions and allowing them to do their thing. Where I have room for improvement is, the communicating with others, and letting them into my emotional realm. It’s a dark and intense place and I’d prefer to keep it that way and not have it interrupted with people trying to enter it or find out about it. 

The one that sticks out the most is probably the first three and a half months of 2022 right after I got engaged. The night before I got engaged I had a dream that I was driving a car down a mountain road and somehow I got ejected from the car and was hanging from a cliff, the small branch ripped out of the ground and fell to my death. I did not appreciate that but knew something was up. We went for a very chilly walk that morning and when he proposed it was a whole (slow) process of what’s happening and then once it clicked can I be married based on my past. Then the emotions of who to tell. Then opening up my phone to find a message from Tyler that day, destroyed me. I did not one to be one of those girls that brought baggage from a domestic relationship to a guy like Chris’s world. The fear consumed me, the anger engulfed me, for three months I thought Tyler was going to find me and do some pretty unbearable things to Chris, all while not telling Chris. I was terrified if we weren’t together. I was angry if he stayed out longer than he needed to. I would sleep on top of Chris that way if anything did happen it would happen to me not him. I was a spiritual wreck. I still am amazed that kid had that much power over me 6 years later. Disgusted honestly. I didn’t think anyone could have or did have that much emotional power over me. I have never been more terrified in my life. 

When did I feel the most nurtured. Every time I sat in that green rocking chair with Aunt Cathy. Every time I sat down with grandma while she ate a banana between mowing the lawns. Anytime I was in the presence of someone who would listen to me. The math teacher that ‘just knew’ something wasn’t right and sent me to the Mr. Bast who would tell me I wasn’t going to class. To Mrs. Lewallen who didn’t give me an option to write essays that could won me scholarships, the day before my 18th birthday when I won the scholarship and that was my twist of fate that I was going to college. Um..I mean the list could go on. Multiple sessions with Suzanne felt nurturing. There was a pretty powerful memory with Justin too. I think it was after we reconnected after the first split we had a pretty nurturing moment. Many times with my mom as an adult. Hell even when I called Chris’s mom when I was freaking out walking down the road in a sketchy area…. Funny I’m always nurtured by women…yet I’m so intimidated by them…off topic but still relevant… okay.