A Talk with Joy

 10/13/22

I got my cup of tea and I’m going to sit down with Joy. We are going to have a talk and we are going to learn how to be friends. Joy… talk to me, friend. Well we both know childhood was not easy… dad was in rough shape, mom was in rough shape, Aunt Cathy and Uncle Bob weren’t able to be around for a long time and lets be real it wasn’t fun. But school, oh man! School was were it was at Kindergarten and everything we learned: Johnny Appleseed, the weather wheel, ice cream scoops, Mrs. Pote. Ahh was that a blast. Then first grade with the. Chickens and the tadpole and releasing the butterflies then moving. Second grade I don’t remember much but then third grade came and we were so scared but it was the best learning year yet! It just kept getting better and better. Friends were the roughest part about it but there was something about learning about the world that made friends and their gossip seem so small. The teachers always had my back, they gave us such a sense of security and knowing we were worthy of them having our backs with dad and ridiculous parents. Then to make that trip to Washington and to see “the world!” The lights in New York and when Kaylee started crying because of how beautiful it was. Then to go to Costa Rica, the first time I was encouraged to speak a different language; it was euphoric. Spending time with grandma growing up and having a pair of non judgmental ears and just idolizing that woman with mystery because I never really knew her.  Then rocking in the rocking chair with Aunt Cathy. Life was beautiful when it was sheltered. It allowed for the space to be creative and tuned into myself. 

Then you kind of went of the deep end starting with Tyler; and I can’t tell you how proud I am that you left, and maybe I should have been there a little more afterwards. To show you how proud I was, and joyful that all that pain and abuse was no more. I just got so nervous, I was so excited for you but I was lost in him, like me, Joy was under his hypnotized by charm. Then Trevor fluffed up the pride when when he said I had his brother whipped, but I didn’t realize Tyler had full control; when I did I hid. I was hindering you; the emotions walked away and you went numb and dark. I had to walk away and when I did that’s when things happened. You left. Sadness took over for a little bit. Disgust followed. You went to therapy. You were doing so good when I wasn’t around and I thought it would be better to stay away. It was me that got you in that relationship and it was everyone but me that got you out. So.. I thought it would be best if I just stayed away. I watched you with Justin and man I thought about coming back, the drugs were tempting, the concerts were so beautiful. I loved the lights and the music was just exhilarating but I knew if I came back you’d fall again. I was around though believe you me I was around. The singing to Justin Timberlake. Utah. The sex! I was there! We both knew though, I was scared to take the front seat because I knew nothing about it was right. I knew what we wanted for you and that was the total opposite. Same with the rest of them. I was there I just knew we were going to be such good friends and I know what kind of friend I am, not the one to be able to tell you no. I didn’t want you to find joy in the life you were going down. If I was around it would have been Tyler all over again. So they told me to take a step back for a bit. Thank god again for school, and Layla. Ah just seeing that dog in the tall grass enjoying the moment as if there was nothing else, I couldn’t help but be involved there. And when Nicole cried in your arms at Christmas. Those were right. I wanted you to feel Joy in those moments because that’s what was right. It was SO HARD to watch you especially towards the end there and even I was getting a little salty. You deserved so much more. But anger just wouldn’t budge and the rest of us were too scared to stand up. Then Josh….oh my gosh the way he looked at you I couldn’t help but come back and the credentials were there. I wanted you to have it but I could sense there was something not right, and believe me the others told me, but those big BRIGHT brown eyes. I was whipped. But the others kept shoving me out of the way which I was grateful for. Everything they said made sense and I think deep down I knew too, that’s why when we got the news, they all had that “we told you so” and I had to step back for a bit again… and it hurt; to watch sadness just unleash on you. Oh did it hurt, but I was the one that got you excited. I wanted you to experience joy again, it had been so long. I was here I wanted you to know I was here. I had your best interest at heart but it had been so long since you had someone not hurt you or look at you that way. I wanted someone to look at us that way. I got lost again…

The business came along and we all had a meeting. Anger of course got the first word, but disgust couldn’t find anything, jealousy had a couple things to say but after Spring Leadership she was in love, sadness was all for it; that’s when they looked at me. I was scared but it felt right. I wanted you to be joyful about something that could provide you a life like that. We always talked about it as a kid… Then rock climbing, oh I love rock climbing, the focus the challenge and working along side fear.. and anger.. all the way up those routes! Ohh it’s fun! Then Chris came into the picture, and I dabbled again, they all looked at me and they told me to be patient. Disgust had some things to say. Anger had A LOT of things to say and I had been out so long, all of us were nervous to let me back up, but again something told me it’s okay. We were living how we said we were going to live. Travel. Real love. I got to be a support and a cheerleader and it wasn’t totally ignored. Matter fact it was accepted and there was inspiration there. The desperation in his eyes of wanting to do better for you…I mean it was priceless to all of us. So they let me back up. Remember your wedding?! We all were balling our eyes out. It was so magical and so beautiful and flawless. You were so beautiful and glowing and I knew you and I were back. It’s been a slow journey for me because I have fear right behind me always (if you think you’re annoyed with him, let me tell you!). But I need someone to walk me through things. I am very intense. So are you. We can be a bit of a bonfire and I don’t want to fail you again. But I can promise you this: I am listening to the other emotions, I am building the courage to have the final say. They want that for you too we just have to slowly build up to it. We know where you’re at, and we know where you want to be and we know it’ll take small doses of all of us to make that happen. But we are learning how to communicate. I’m learning how to listen to each of them, not shut them down the way I did in the past and they are working on that with me as well and were moving forward. Be patient with us, we are all pretty intense up there each one of us individually, but we’ve made the agreement to tone it down if we all listen to each other, and that seems to be working. 

Let’s talk about now though. Your dog is a beast can we talk about that. I know she’s old and hurting but man how fun is it we get to learn how to work together on her being old. You know she can’t be too mad when you talk loudly at here with an ear to ear grin. And the level of trust in that dogs eyes when she looks at you! In her final moments she’s going to have a flashback of the past three years and think I went out well! It was rough in the moment but we had fun. Your husband! That guy….where do I begin. We put together the list of the perfect man and he’s it! Oh crazy is that?! The goofiness, and the humor (even if it’s old man humor) and the belly rubbing hahaha I don’t even remember how that got started but it makes me giggle EVERY time. The sweet text messages (disgust makes a face every time BUT I think it’s adorable). My favorite is when he’s a little upset and he just wraps his arms around your waist and lays on your lap. Or when you see the passionate desire to make you happy, in his big blue eyes, I still look away just in case but I know his eyes are blue and those long eyelashes are growing on me, they make me want to melt. The cat. I’m warming up to but I’m not going to lie…the purring and the occasional snuggles are pretty great! I think a boy would be better ;) The house girl!! Again right off the page! No exposed brick but this is your house you get to turn into a home! I love it!

Its in the works my love. All of us meet, we are having much more reasonable conversations now, but I’m slowly making my way back to the front seat. Keep up with the yoga and the meditations, it helps me A LOT!