Another Round of Emotions

 10/06/22

The diamonds are definitely my emotional ole models. They just have a way of cool hand Luke all the time. They role with life’s punches, they admit that they feel, but they seek perspective and without thinking about anything else move on.

How do I meet my emotions? I’ve been really working on making my awareness their best friend. When I’m angry I’m allowed to feel angry, and I’ll ‘listen’ to the rage, or I’ll talk to someone about it, not seeking validation just to release it. If I’m sad I allow myself to cry, or sort through why I’m upset, then pep talk myself back to even. Happiness… I meet happiness with gratefulness and it evens out my highs but I’m higher for a lot longer; I think the universe for the situation that makes me happy, and try to store it in the memory bank when I need the reminders that life is pretty dang good. Do I avoid my emotions? I would say at this point in my life I’m pretty open to not avoiding my emotions. It’s taken some time and a lot work to get there though. In what ways am I shut down? I mean I shut down in the real world. I don’t know if that would count as emotionally; when I leave the house I don’t really show much emotion because I don’t have a default one I guess. 

When I was more notorious for avoiding my emotions I would focus my attention on anybody else’s problems. I would school, I would drink, work more; literally just about anything else. I think I occasionally may try to overcompensate my negative emotions by focusing on where Chris is at emotionally or just try to go about life as if I was fine. 

When am I most emotionally real? When no one is around. I don’t like others’ seeing me hurt. I don’t like others having to deal with me when I’m feeling something so intensely which is most of the time. I have been learning to open up with Chris because he does handle my intense emotions really well. I’ve never seen anyone handle my dark depressive days so well or my anger.

When do I feel stirred up emotionally? When I have a lot going on, and it takes absolutely everything in me to keep my cool and someone gets upset over something incredibly small. When am I at peace? When I know I’ve done everything in power to be productive, or I’m in a routine, or there are no expectations from myself especially. 

I would probably say I’m a 7 in terms of being open with my emotions. I’m very open when it comes to my negative emotions but I do close off a bit on the positive ones. I’ve been told I’m growing in that area but still have a tendency to not express my positive emotions well. Elaborating on that just a bit though I wonder if because I understand manifesting and know the universe has my back that I do turn it more towards gratefulness than happiness. I read this morning that happiness is when you don’t desire something more. When I want something I’ll hold out until it’s exactly what I want because I don’t like desiring more or different or what I don’t have.